I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
