Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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