I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
