i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my being single is dangerous.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
