Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
