I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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