not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Ketchup is God's man juice
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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