break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
