craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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