I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Randomize
