Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
