I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
