Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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