just come out here and I will go home with you...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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