she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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