I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize