It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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