I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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