there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
