Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
