Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
