Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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