You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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