Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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