I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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