He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
