Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
