What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
