Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
where are you?
Hypothermia
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
