Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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