If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
