btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You need Xanax blowdarts
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
