Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
