I think I died a long time ago.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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