I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
