Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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