I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
