In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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