I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
