She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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