just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
