i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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