can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
