Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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