I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
