You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
