Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
