Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Randomize
