mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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