"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
