I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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