I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
