he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
