fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
