I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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